BiNGE Notes

Rambling thoughts of a cartooning cab driver on the Jersey Shore

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

OK, one more Guido in my cab story...

Closing time in August: Three over juiced t-shirt stretchers get in my cab at D-Jaise night club on the ocean. For those not familiar with D-Jaise, it's a club in Belmar NJ that Italians go to during mating season, at least in the summer mating season. Who knows where the hell they go for the other three mating seasons. Anyway, these Goombas dumped hundreds at the bar on bimbos and struck out. So they bang and squeeze themselves into my car complaining about how stuck up the bitches were. As I maneuver down narrow streets at 2 am dodging vomiting tourists with four drunk, frustrated and angry steroid junkies surrounding me, one taps me on the shoulder. "Yo! You a cab driver, you gotta know where we can get our c*cks sucked! Come'on, good cabbies always know where we can get our c*cks sucked! We'll even PAY TO GET OUR C*CKS SUCKED!" "Nope, sorry dudes, I don't" I did know of a place in Neptune city that was open. But would I send you in and say "Tell'em driver 27 sent you..." No way, They'd never let me back in again.
So I said real loud, "There's four of you, go back to your room, put on some porn and daisy chain it dudes. First one who cums has to suck off the other three." Ok, I said that about a mile after I dropped their drunk asses off.

oh yea, an anudder ting....

Ask any bartender on the Jersey Shore who's the worst tippers, Guidos. They're loud, obnoxious high maintenance customers. Guidos expect every third drink to be free, like it's a privilege to serve them. The whole night they boast "Don't worry, I'll take care of you..." At the end of the night they leave a buck, in his mind that was a good tip. I drive home many bartenders and servers here on the shore. All say the money in the summer is great, but they earn every stinkin dime. As a cab driver, I'll second that.My buddy Aaron's favorite story of cab driving I tell is: One summer night 3 drunk Guidos (if I remember correctly their names were Antnee, Antnee and Tony ) stagger over to the cab stand looking for a ride back to the motor lodge where later on some drunk Ho's promised to come by and suck them dry. This according to the more articulate one of the group. This one juicehead stumbles back into my van with a slice of pizza. Generally I insist on no food in the car. However I know better than to get between a drunk Italian and food. I let it slide. As we waited for one member of the party to finish relieving himself on the side of my dispatcher's car, the pizza Gudio says "Jersey pizza sucks, we're here to bang your bitches." Pulling away from the curb Pizza boy asks "How do I open dis back window?" I snap "Why? Are you going to chuck?" "No, I want to throw this slice at some fagget as we drive down the street!" In a stern tone I informed him throwing food from the vehicle was forbidden. He had a blank stare as he sincerely asked "Why the hell not? Open dis f*ckin window." I pull back to the curb "OK! Everybody out!" " Why? Ya kidden? You're an asshole cab driver!" A slice of pizza slapped onto the back window of my van as I pulled away. True story.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

JERSEY SHORE

For the record, the moronic, narcissistic juiceheads seen on MTV's "Jersey Shore" are NOT from New Jersey. They are primarily New Yorkers who migrate to our beaches in the summer like locusts during breeding season. We don't like them either. We mock on them year round, most shore residents don't watch "Jersey Shore." We natives have been nauseated by these social barbarians for decades and we have no need to see Guidos glorified.
As a nightshift cab driver in Belmar NJ I can testify that majority of summer visitors from NYC are in fact far more vulgar and inane than the television representatives. In the back of my cab, they refer to all women as "Bitches and Ho's" Any man who uses those terms doesn't deserve to get laid. From what I personally witness, most of them don't. These drunken idiots spent hundreds of dollars on drinks, only to get in my cab and proclaim "She was fat anyway." Our native women avoid the ignorant masses for the most part. Any that do fornicate with the likes are encourage to move to Staten Island where they can settle down with Anthony and his auto body business.
Latent Homosexuals. Despite the macho bravado spewed by the males of the species, I believe they are some of the gayest examples of men I have ever met. Real men don't spend an hour fixing their hair, working on tans, or spend $125 on designer T-shirts. Comments I have over heard come from the back of my cab include: "Dude, that shirt makes your pecs look huge," "Check out his wings" "Do you want to go with me tomorrow, I'm getting waxed." I struggle not to laugh out loud at such comments. Admittedly, these closet homos on steroids can become violent if a skinny artist from NJ looks in the mirror and asks, "What are you guys? Queer?"
I still think it.

Judging from the females of the species, perhaps it would be best for all if they were homosexual. The shallow and mildy retarded women who flock down to the beaches are equally obnoxious and vile. Poor drivers who are often hairier than the men. At first glance they can be attractive, however once they are in my cab I have fantasies of wrapping my car around a telephone pole and disfiguring them for life. The idea of leaving them dependant on personality and intellect is a fate far worse than death. I would rather stick my penis in a food processor than one of their heavily trafficked vaginas. At least the appliance doesn't have a five o'clock shadow.

SO in summery, the TV show "Jersey Shore" should be renamed "Stupid homo Gombas who can't get laid in a whorehouse on pay day" It's a bit long for a show title. (BTW, I have had the actual cast members from the show in my cab. I drove 4 of the idiots from D-Jais to the Headliner. Their combined I.Q. didn't even reach triple digits.)