BiNGE Notes

Rambling thoughts of a cartooning cab driver on the Jersey Shore

Friday, April 2, 2010

God I Hate Television

While staying with Waffle and Diane, I have seen TV shows that I never would believe existed if I hadn't wasted a half hour of precious life seeing. Laura and I seldom strayed off of Discovery, History or Adult Swim. Being on my Mac next to the TV during the day I have discovered that there are way too many Judge shows on. The original People's Court was educational, the one's today are sad pathetic schlock reality shows. I have yet to see any reality show that didn't look scripted and fake.

Perhaps we as members of the human race should turn off the fucking TV and try to focus on having our own realities. When I get settled in my new place, NO TV. I'll have a television and a DVD player, but no cable. I remember when I went about five years with out any TV, it was the most productive period of my life. I was content with what I had, I took time to develop my art, my hobbies, relationship with people. I noticed too many conversations started by others were "Did you see..." No, I was living.

Inevitably people would say, "I don't believe you never saw that show, you HAVE to watch it." No I don't, you sad pathetic cretin. Is you own empty life so void of meaning that you must fill it with mindless shit every waking moment?

Hold me to my pledge, no TV in New Orleans.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Big Move to the Big Easy

Last summer I met a new co-worker, at first sight a very scary dude. Very likable, except I was going thru a difficult time. For some twisted reason I took an instant dislike to him, I don't know why. I projected every ounce of anger in my being at him. He didn't deserve it, I was just being an asshole. Over time he grew on me,much like the skin cancer slowly covering my right arm in spots. A talented, funny and hairy tumor, after time I couldn't help but to like him. He continued to tell me how much I would fit in down in New Orleans. A city where artists are appreciated and sometimes employed. None of the negative angry New Jersey attitude or expense. Every month that I remain in NJ I dig deeper in debt. Driving cab in Belmar at night barely covers my child support and cigarettes. Researching New Orleans area the cost of living seems lower compared to NJ. NJ is one of the most expensive states to live in the the country. The money to be made isn't here anymore. The only ones who can afford Jersey are Politicians, union officials and mobsters.
At this current economic demise, my only option is death. I refuse to do the Van Gogh route. NAY! I will follow the example of Paul Gauguin, travel to an unknown world, pursue my art and die of a venereal disease.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Super Bowl Thingy

Earlier this week a passenger asked me who was I betting on in the Super Bowl. I replied "Oh is it this week?" "Of course it is, you know that." "Not really, I never watched one." "YOU LIAR! Of course you have, everyone watches." Nope, never did, never will. Why would one lie about that? Both teams could burst into flames at the coin toss and I wouldn't give a damn. Once when a hyper-masculine drunk asked me if I had seen some NFL game and I said I don't follow football his next question was "Are you a queer?" Let's examine that conclusion, he spent all afternoon watching sweaty, muscular men roll around on top of each other in the mud. They get up off of each other and pat each others asses. Then the players take a shower together. THAT'S GAY.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


PRAY FOR ME! I must escape this vocational purgatory! A dysfunctional family business that is getting increasingly negative. Every time employees pull up, someone in the office has to ask; "Is he armed?" 12 hours duty last night, we each made about $60. Try to support your addictions on that. The nightly ugliness, the bullshit, the hazards. One coworker was joking about a passenger who drank herself to death. I don't want to become like these people. The past four years of driving cab at night has hardened me. I've learned not to trust anyone, learned to step on others before they could step on me. My naivety is gone my trust eroded away by the cancer of human nature.

Any longer out here, I'll loose all of my humanity. "Tonight on outrageous videos, a cabbie gets out of his car and cold cocks a NUN!"

Monday, January 25, 2010

Addictions first

I love convenience stores. You can feed most every addiction there. Coffee, smokes, lottery tickets. Need rolling papers? Gottem, and at least another dozen products that any creative stoner can use to conjure a high. Munchies in isle 2 and 3. Porn? Got it. It's three AM and you need a copy of 18+ Big Boob to get to sleep. Alcoholic? No they don't sell beer and the liquor store is closed now, here's some cold medicine. You seek comfort food. An orgy of empty calories await. Need to smoke crack, buy one of those little glass vases with the paper flower in it.

During my shift I stumble in five stores a night for the nicotine / caffeine fix. Having worked a convenience store, the employees have my sympathy. Like driving a cab at night, your customer base is the Night Of The Living Dead.

Totos the Teleprompter

Obama brought a teleprompter to a sixth grade class. Excuse me, isn't that like writing the answers on your cuffs? They're kids. Afraid of having a Dan Quayle moment? I thought you taught at Harvard, but you can't talk to kids without the help of a staff? You're like a robot that needs to be plugged in. One of those Disney hall of Presidents droids, programed with personality.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Presidential Race

In a snapshot of America, perhaps we've only been looking at the negative of the snapshot.
Over the past two years, I've noticed the only ones who consistently and loudly discuss President Obama's race are his supporters. Even in private conversations among conservatives race is not the issue, it's policy. The Dems waste no opportunity to mention skin color. I thought Liberals were above noticing such things. Ironically, it's Conservatives who live by the wisdom of "Judging a man by the content of his character, not the color of his skin." Wait, who first said that? It's the content of his character that Conservatives have always questioned. His political associations, radical individuals who would have been an anchor to any white conservatives. Be seen with a Pat Robertson and get tagged a "white, racist Jesus Freak" Jeremiah Wright? If I was the only white member of his congregation, I'd be lookin fo da door.

Now if conservative pundits had been using words like "Stupid, incompetent, dumb and ignorant" about Obama, as much as the liberals had used such adjectives on Palin, we'd be deaf from the screams. "look at how they view African Americans, stupid and ignorant, all conservatives are racists." So conversely, does that argument conclude that Liberal Dems are really sexist? The first female candidate is an incompetent bimbo acording to their voices. The women of "The View" aren't racist, however they are sexist, ok, now I am confused.

This is by far a very difficult period in U.S. history. It is the same in my personal life. I see in my life that these great difficulties and challenges hurt like a never ending case of the burning trots. Already it has made me a better person than I was, I fought the lessons tooth and nail. Hated every moment, denied it. Looking back at the old me with disdain. Having learned over decades lessons that today seem so obvious.

I hope in a decade America will look back over these trouble years an know that we are a better nation having studied the snapshots.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

The 50 BOOBS

I heard on the news tonight that Hawaii is without a Representative because they can not afford an election. What da F*CK?! When New Jersey goes belly up and decides not to give us the very basic government services I'm going to Trenton and demand my deposit back. What did you really do with the money I gave you? I'm suing for breach of contract. The BBB will be notified that NJ did not carry thru on services and people should not do business with them. Dead beat states, I learn to expect it from my room mate, my landlord expects it from me, his ex from him etc. But damn it, we don't expect elected officials to be INCOMPETENT liers. Liars? Yes, but be professional.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

OK, one more Guido in my cab story...

Closing time in August: Three over juiced t-shirt stretchers get in my cab at D-Jaise night club on the ocean. For those not familiar with D-Jaise, it's a club in Belmar NJ that Italians go to during mating season, at least in the summer mating season. Who knows where the hell they go for the other three mating seasons. Anyway, these Goombas dumped hundreds at the bar on bimbos and struck out. So they bang and squeeze themselves into my car complaining about how stuck up the bitches were. As I maneuver down narrow streets at 2 am dodging vomiting tourists with four drunk, frustrated and angry steroid junkies surrounding me, one taps me on the shoulder. "Yo! You a cab driver, you gotta know where we can get our c*cks sucked! Come'on, good cabbies always know where we can get our c*cks sucked! We'll even PAY TO GET OUR C*CKS SUCKED!" "Nope, sorry dudes, I don't" I did know of a place in Neptune city that was open. But would I send you in and say "Tell'em driver 27 sent you..." No way, They'd never let me back in again.
So I said real loud, "There's four of you, go back to your room, put on some porn and daisy chain it dudes. First one who cums has to suck off the other three." Ok, I said that about a mile after I dropped their drunk asses off.

oh yea, an anudder ting....

Ask any bartender on the Jersey Shore who's the worst tippers, Guidos. They're loud, obnoxious high maintenance customers. Guidos expect every third drink to be free, like it's a privilege to serve them. The whole night they boast "Don't worry, I'll take care of you..." At the end of the night they leave a buck, in his mind that was a good tip. I drive home many bartenders and servers here on the shore. All say the money in the summer is great, but they earn every stinkin dime. As a cab driver, I'll second that.My buddy Aaron's favorite story of cab driving I tell is: One summer night 3 drunk Guidos (if I remember correctly their names were Antnee, Antnee and Tony ) stagger over to the cab stand looking for a ride back to the motor lodge where later on some drunk Ho's promised to come by and suck them dry. This according to the more articulate one of the group. This one juicehead stumbles back into my van with a slice of pizza. Generally I insist on no food in the car. However I know better than to get between a drunk Italian and food. I let it slide. As we waited for one member of the party to finish relieving himself on the side of my dispatcher's car, the pizza Gudio says "Jersey pizza sucks, we're here to bang your bitches." Pulling away from the curb Pizza boy asks "How do I open dis back window?" I snap "Why? Are you going to chuck?" "No, I want to throw this slice at some fagget as we drive down the street!" In a stern tone I informed him throwing food from the vehicle was forbidden. He had a blank stare as he sincerely asked "Why the hell not? Open dis f*ckin window." I pull back to the curb "OK! Everybody out!" " Why? Ya kidden? You're an asshole cab driver!" A slice of pizza slapped onto the back window of my van as I pulled away. True story.

Sunday, January 3, 2010


For the record, the moronic, narcissistic juiceheads seen on MTV's "Jersey Shore" are NOT from New Jersey. They are primarily New Yorkers who migrate to our beaches in the summer like locusts during breeding season. We don't like them either. We mock on them year round, most shore residents don't watch "Jersey Shore." We natives have been nauseated by these social barbarians for decades and we have no need to see Guidos glorified.
As a nightshift cab driver in Belmar NJ I can testify that majority of summer visitors from NYC are in fact far more vulgar and inane than the television representatives. In the back of my cab, they refer to all women as "Bitches and Ho's" Any man who uses those terms doesn't deserve to get laid. From what I personally witness, most of them don't. These drunken idiots spent hundreds of dollars on drinks, only to get in my cab and proclaim "She was fat anyway." Our native women avoid the ignorant masses for the most part. Any that do fornicate with the likes are encourage to move to Staten Island where they can settle down with Anthony and his auto body business.
Latent Homosexuals. Despite the macho bravado spewed by the males of the species, I believe they are some of the gayest examples of men I have ever met. Real men don't spend an hour fixing their hair, working on tans, or spend $125 on designer T-shirts. Comments I have over heard come from the back of my cab include: "Dude, that shirt makes your pecs look huge," "Check out his wings" "Do you want to go with me tomorrow, I'm getting waxed." I struggle not to laugh out loud at such comments. Admittedly, these closet homos on steroids can become violent if a skinny artist from NJ looks in the mirror and asks, "What are you guys? Queer?"
I still think it.

Judging from the females of the species, perhaps it would be best for all if they were homosexual. The shallow and mildy retarded women who flock down to the beaches are equally obnoxious and vile. Poor drivers who are often hairier than the men. At first glance they can be attractive, however once they are in my cab I have fantasies of wrapping my car around a telephone pole and disfiguring them for life. The idea of leaving them dependant on personality and intellect is a fate far worse than death. I would rather stick my penis in a food processor than one of their heavily trafficked vaginas. At least the appliance doesn't have a five o'clock shadow.

SO in summery, the TV show "Jersey Shore" should be renamed "Stupid homo Gombas who can't get laid in a whorehouse on pay day" It's a bit long for a show title. (BTW, I have had the actual cast members from the show in my cab. I drove 4 of the idiots from D-Jais to the Headliner. Their combined I.Q. didn't even reach triple digits.)

Friday, January 1, 2010

Final thoughts of 2009

First off, how bad do you need to get into heaven than to strap a bomb to your junk? I thought Baptist were demented. I've had my causes too, at no point did I fight for them by pouring chemical explosives on my willy. A little too kinky even by my book. Imagine HIS TERROR when he realized that he WASN'T going to die.
At times our new enemies are amusing. By amusing I mean like stupid little mustaches and goose-stepping were in previous enemies. If in 1945 I had told a General that someday we would have the greatest military in the world and spend 9 years chasing a 6'7" tall Arab around the dessert and never catch him, I'd be kicked out of the Pentagon.

Remember all of the bad guys in James Bond movies? Eccentric and demented threatening to destroy the world if their egos aren't stroked. Iran, Korea, USA.

The far left have revealed their hypocrisy and phony stances. It's easy to knock down a conservative when they show hypocrisy, the left aren't held accountable because the judges are their peers. Oprah and Springsteen have made their billions, now let's destroy the Capitalist system so no one else can make billions. Bruce, stop singing about the struggling working class. You never were one, your old man was a bus driver, you a rock star. Will Obama ever set salary limits for Hollywood or professional sports players? He seems to set limits for banking, auto and other US industries. I know, Hollywood hasn't had to take a bail out. Yet.